BugHatch: Writers Unincorporated

[Lorno]

lines sway methodically

casting parallel shadows

keeping rhythm with passing traffic

no silence, no dark

always aware

knowing, planning, plotting

like a musty, soiled

mattress discarded in a forgotten alleyway

alive with frenzied midnight indulgers

horrid scuttling

conductors plotting their tracks

constant traffic

scattered feces in saucers

between sheets, nestled

gory shag

walls, barren, rotting

ancient porno mags

crusted, missing their covers
_________________
All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind~Aristotle~

[Holls]

Very nice -- I especially enjoyed the
"soiled

mattress discarded in a forgotten alleyway

alive with frenzied midnight indulgers

horrid scuttling" .

Great image.

In fact, I think the poem would benefit from putting this bit at the beginning and working the intro as it is now into the middle of the piece. I suggest this because I did not really latch onto the poem until those fabulous lines, so I think starting with them will engage the reader from the start.

The intro as is is not bad (i.e I don't think you should scrap it) - it gives the poem shape. Just think it the swaying those lines evoke would fit nicely in the middle of the powerful images in the excerpt I already mentioned and the great lines at the end.

Hope this made sense. Let me know if you'd like me to clarify.

Thanks for posting this and again, nice work.
_________________
Hawaii does not exist - just like tough liberals and the Canadian Army.

[Lorno]

i appreciate the input i will play around with the intro like you suggested and see what comes of it, but that is the beauty of art its always re-workable thanks
_________________
All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind~Aristotle~

[neophillia]

I'm going to tell you how I misread it.

I missed the line 'always aware' so that it went straight from -

'no silence, no dark

knowing, planning, plotting '

which I kind of like for the no no know sounds...and...

as much as I like indulgers in this line I read it as -

'alive with frenzied midnight burglers'

and i think there was one more -

'horrid scuttling

conductors plotting

constant traffic '

I'm a fan of rythmic repetition I guess....the two ing's there by taking out the 'their tracks' from plotting....

I'm not sure if that's useful or annoying of me.....but it's what happens when my eyes are tired and thought the subtractions were interesting. anyhow. thanks for posting the poem Lorno.

[Lorno]

a musty, soiled mattress

discarded in a forgotten alleyway

alive with frenzied midnight indulgers

horrid scuttling

conductors plotting

constant traffic

lines sway methodically

casting parallel shadows

keeping rhythm with passing traffic

no silence, no dark

always aware

knowing, planning, plotting

scattered feces in saucers

between sheets, nestled

gory shag

walls, barren, rotting

ancient porno mags

crusted, missing their covers



i changed it arround using some of your suggetions, changing the intro is beautiful and helps with the flow, losing "their course" was also a great suggestion. Although one coomentabout the line "midnight indulgers" this line is supposed to invoke an image of some kind of rodent. So "burglers'
would change the meaning. i love the way you suggeted everything though and no it was not annoying "I'm not sure if that's useful or annoying of me....." but very useful
thanks guys
_________________
All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind~Aristotle~